My Favorite Puker

In life outside the ambulance, if you're a parent- you get puked on by your kids...to be expected. Sometimes- your spouse. Maybe. There's those "rare" (though sometimes frequent) occassions when a friend who may not have quite learned how to hold their alcohol yet (still) let it show by throwing up on your favorite pair of shoes. Unless your kid has a chronic illness or weak stomach, and your choice of friends can't hang with the grown ups...your tally of "puke to you" ratio leans more towards the "Rare" side of life. In EMS...regardless of your professional title- WE, are magnets! We get puked on...A LOT. Of all the bodily fluids...well substances- THIS one finds its way to...ON us, effortlessly.

In my experience, most adults don't show any type of level of concern/remorse when they attempt "sharing" the contents of their stomach with us. Children on the other hand- look ashamed :( Sad...Adults have had years of practice containing...children have an excuse.

Most of the time, this ends up a result of the certain gender/age group whom have reached the "emotion extreme" level of drunkeness. Aka- "Sloppy Drunk". These folks can't keep there eyes open let alone hit a target when needed to keep from wearing their last meal. It is standard practice that we help these ones out by gifting them with a "feed bag". Perfectly fitting title except for the whole eating out of it aspect...because THAT would be sick. This "Feed bag" look comes with their very own "friendship necklace"- a disposable pillowcase (Don't stress- it's paper!) with a hole torn in the side to drape over the head and around the neck to "catch" said UP-coming visitors. Like the adult version of an IKEA Kiddie bib...those plastic ones with the lip at the bottom?! (Way to go Sweden!! Smart group you are). These folks- don't know and won't even remember blanketing the back of my ambulance with their Pre-Drink appetizer's. We do though because sometimes, no amount of decon will get rid of the lingering smell left behind :(  On countless occassions, these patients even attempt to remove said "Feed bag" so they can ruin their designer shirt instead. Nothing hotter than a chest full of garlic fries. Note to you- We are trying to help you not have to make the ride of shame home the next morning in vomit soaked clothes. (Think of your poor friend you threw up on lastnight, now having to smell you again...the morning after. You're lucky they stick around)

However, there are other types that fit in to this group of sour stomachs. This is where my partner-"Gym Rat" & I met my favorite. Gym Rat is mid 20's, taller than me, so more Giraffe like than scurrying 4 legged rodent. Dark Hair always covered by a hat...Spends as much off time at the gym with me- lifting, as he does time at work. Not afraid to put someone in their place when the opprotune time arises ;-), which comes in handy at times during our shifts.

Oh 70 year old Cancer patient, coming from home...YOU are my favorite puker. Though you try and be stoic and pass off the inevitable by stating- very matter of factly, "I'm feeling fine." I am on to you. Your face screams "It's coming!!". I am glad to have heard that you were able to keep down your last meal, because you won't be caused as much discomfort as would be associated with dry heaving and just producing bile. You already have enough pain to handle. Your frail frame throws me for a loop as I offer you the vomit bag...I see your hearty attempt to keep it down and then your cheeks fill just before it escapes your once tightly secured mouth. However- I am ready. Your expected and sudden invasion has met it's match. My quick hands (this ain't my first rodeo) are already in place...HA! So I think...

You vomit...ALL over me. I don't blink- I'm impressed actually. Probably the best projectile I've seen...hands down. With a sheepish look in the eye, you regretfully apologize, "Oh. Dear I am SO sorry!". The quiver in your voice softens my heart even more. (You APOLOGIZED! That NEVER happens...Aaaw, you're SO cute!) And I guess it IS true- Chicken noodle soup does seem to be the food of choice for all ages when they are sick. Only word of advice from me? Maybe chew a little more thoroughly next time...big pieces of chicken don't feel to terribly great on the way up.

I reply, "Was that Cambell's, or Healthy Choice?"  You laugh...and grimace at the same time. (Round two!) You attempt to apologize again but it is a losing battle. I don't think there is anything left though now. Win/Win for you and me both. I get some towels and tissues. Some water to rinse your mouth. I help clean you up. You give me the look of appreciation. Nothing else needed...You're death clutching bag number 3- empty as of now. Simply precautionary. I wipe a heave induced tear from you eye. You blink and look downward, "I'm really sorry dear...*grumble, gurgle. Petite belch*.  I thought I was going to be able to hold it until we got to the hospital. I hope you have a clean change of clothes." To which I reply, "It's okay. Who knew such force would come from someone as petite as you...guess big things really do come in small packages *wink*." You chuckle. A noodle comes out of your nose... You are the best part of my day.  (And BRAVO!! Bonus points for helping me acheive "Out Of Service" status for a new uniform!:

As we wheel you into the ER, you tell me,*smirking*- "Gee, I feel SO much better now...can you guys just take me back home? I'm not prepared for seeing people...I didn't put my "face" on! I must be a sight! I'll give you some cookies??!?"Bribing...awesome. It's official- I <3 you. With all that you are experiencing in life- chemo and treatment, and daily pain that is uncontrollable, you still have your sense of humor and handle life with such grace. AND- you still look like a Rockstar...rouge on the cheeks, fake lashes and cherry red lipstick. Have you ever thought of being the next spokeswoman for Maybelline?? "Cuz you sure put the "smudge-proof" make-up to the test ;-) Mrs. Stylish & Apologetic up-chucker- you can throw up on me any day ;-)

We clear. Time for food...
"Hmm...lunchtime...What to eat?"Asks a hungry Gym Rat. Me- *Smell still hanging in ambulance* "Chicken noodle soup please...sounds delicious!"