Silly Ambulance Games

After a while, we all fall in to the routine of our work and things just drag. Monotonous. Dull. Boring. All words not usually associated with what we do...and on nights, usually far from the norm. One night...my partner had an idea. To this day- still by far, the most entertaining...E-V-E-R! Even though it took a few months for him to accomplish it...it WAS worth it!

I shared my rig with "Kermit" for about 7 months. Night shift. And together, we- we're a Sh*t Show. Always attracting the best (worst) calls and running around the city like a child on a sugar high. We were ALWAYS busy!! With that being said, we found ourselves SOOOO bored at times that- for fun, we would "hunt" for patients...if you know our city, you would understand how simple of a task that is.

But! One shift...it ALL changed...

"Show us on-scene...but we need someone to come down and let us in."- As Kermit hopped out of the rig. His butt brushing up against the Fire Engine strategically placed to allow absolutely no space for us to do much of anything other than THINK about how to get our gurney out. "Nice of them to leave us SOOO much space, right?" Parked right in front of the driveway that is our only access point in to the building. (Staring at space between rigs) Me-*Shrug* "Just think skinny...Juuuust think SKINNY!...did they say they were sending someone down?"

Kermit stands there...fixed gaze...(He's plotting!) I can see his "Brain Hamster" feverishly running, spinning the wheel of thought in his head.... *Hysterical laughter* "You know what we should do?!!?" (He has that evil side smirk...that has to be good.) "Nope, but I bet you're gonna tell me." He looks at me- makes direct eye contact...then shifts his stare to the Shiny Red Engine...then back at me. "You know what be AWESOME?!" Me- "Aaaah crap..." 

Kermit: He is average build....rather tall for a frog. Mid 30's. Bald head. Energetic eyes. A long and slender face that is home to a mouth that has more of a severe case of word vomit than the one that calls my face home. Funny. One of those people that life follows around with anything other than ordinary. Think of Mr. Burns, while making his "eeeeeeehx-cellent" face and tapping fingers in sequence...devious, but no liver spots. Or a long pointy "Pinocchio" nose.

Kermit smiles again...this time his creepy "Show all my teeth/raised eyebrows" kind of smile. Then turns in between the Sick bus and the Engine..."Do you have your camera?? Get your phone...Hurry! Before they come down!" His eyes shifting around like he's a junkie due for his fix.

Entertained but mildly concerned that I may just be entering in to the world of "accomplice" status- "What? No, toss me YOUR phone...the Rig is already locked. What am I taking a picture of??" I look up to the building...no one coming yet. The wind brings the smell of "fear" around me. My pager goes off...It catches me off guard. I grab it to silence it...(like someone might hear)- "Fire will send someone down." Okay, great. It's cold out and obviously having this much time to sit and wait outside only allows for us to create things for us to get in to trouble with...like giving a kid a BB gun and then telling them not to shoot anything...while the neighbors cat sleeps- perched on the fence post in the backyard. Silly...JUST silly.

Kermit tosses me his phone. "Hurry!! Take it!" I still have NO idea "what" I am supposed to be taking a picture of..."uuuuh. Right...about that. Maybe you can fill me in on the details. Unless...you want some random pic from me." Valid point.

"Ugh, Oh. Right. Well...I'm going to stand right there *Pointing towards tailboard of the Engine* next to the placard. Then, when I say- YOU take a picture!" Me- "huh...so your grand idea that I'm supposed to be super excited for it me snapping a pic of you next to a fire engine? Aren't we a little too old for that?? *Chuckling* Letting me down Kermit...disappointed. *shaking head*"

"NO!! I'm going to do this! *turns and walks to the shiny red rig*"....

He is walking with a purpose. As I watch him get closer to "his spot", I think how funny it would be if someone were to get in his way...His phone has a camcorder right?! I laugh at the thought of the slow motion replay of him dodging human obstacles. *Laughing out loud* Kermit stops. Turns and looks at me. Now using hand signals (Red team go! Red team- GO!!)...ooooOOOOoooo...serious face- ON!

I snap a picture...while laughing my a** off! Kermit is now grinding his butt all over and around the tailboard of the engine. I take another shot. I keep laughing. He is now singing a little..."I'm rubbing my butt on yooooouuur EN-gine....it's on YOUR ennnn-gine. And you can't stop me. We're takin' a picture..."

For the next 2 and a half months, when we were working...he hunted. There were about 35 or so fire units in the city- Engines, Ladder Trucks, Medic Units, Aid cars, Battalion Chiefs, and specialty rigs. Some- we saw all the time. Others...as often as a Solar eclipse. So, we had to be on our toes. We listened to calls going out, and then call the Voice in the sky to request to get them, just so that he could cross a unit off the Butt picture list.

There were shift that we got the same unit 3 times...giving us the ability to edit which one was the "best". Kermit found himself antsy and itching for his next "contact"...sometimes it was entertaining just watching him try to leave the scene fast enough from a call with a rig who no longer had a place on his list, just so that the chance was available for one that was.

The list had 3 left...One Engine. One single Medic unit, and One Ladder truck. There 3 were the enigma's...at one point we almost stopped believing they existed. And that his once hysterical plan was foiled and had come to an end. Until...now...

"On-Scene". We got this call right as we cleared *Insert Local ER here*. Not even enough time to have checked to see which unit would be on-scene with us. BUT! On our arrival, Kermit was ecstatic!!! Like he just woke up and ran down stairs on Christmas morning...but as a 30 something year old Man-boy :-)

We get out. I can see his eye growing with anticipation. The Engine AND that single Medic unit...both there...out in real life...TOGETHER!!! (Que Mr. Burns moment again.) There's no one around...the street is empty...not normal. Something HAS to be wrong...He looks at me. He let's go of the stretcher as I pull out my phone from my pocket...slowly unzipping it to keep from breaking the silence. At the train station, there is a small tower above us. I stare at it waiting to see a quick flint of light reflect from the scope that seems it should be locked on to me. My heart speeds up a little. We are SO close!! (yes- I have been suckered in to his game and am just as excited as he is. Don't judge, lol)

As I wheel the stretcher, it's like I'm walking through a "deserted street" in a city deep in the heart of a war...waiting for someone to pop out and strike. Difference? I am only armed with roller gauze and a pair of trauma sheers :-/ *Shrug*

I find Kermit in between both units...they are close enough to where he can almost do a butt double. He decides to do each one separately though...showing ample respect to the rigs that eluded us for so long! Well played...WELL played!

*SNAP!!* Engine- check.

Kermit repositions to the Single Medic Unit. He takes his time...gotta be Juuuuuuust right! "We probably won't see these guys again for a while so Don't screw it up!" Kermit says to be as he squats down to place his garmented cheeks right next to the identifying placard. *Scoffs!* What?! Me screw it up?? Riiiiight."

I am in position to fire...I raise. Aim...Aaaaaand- "WAIT!!"- Kermit stands abruptly..."Did you hear that?! HA! Just kidding!!" *Sticking tongue out* He really must be a child. *Rolling my eyes*

Ok...round 2. Ready...Aiiiiim...F-I-R...!?!?! "Uuuuuuh hem...looks like we won't be needing to wax THAT spot tomorrow! So...what ya guys doin'?? "

My hands drop, camera in pocket on the way down. I look at Kermit who is mid grind on the Medic unit...still, like a frightened EMT statue- hands still in fists while in dance mode of something resembling "the cabbage patch" and head forward with the largest set of bug eyes I have ever seen...EVER!! He slowly stands to the upright, while slowly turning his head and fixing his eyes on me. I am still standing with my back to the voice of doom...I was waiting for the "every thing's ok" Que from Kermit...guess he was thinking the same thing from me. Kermit blurts out "It's NOT what it looks like!" I have NO idea what else it COULD look like...

I turn. The firefighter half smiling but in a confused way. "what are we doing? Well...waiting for you to let us in of course, silly." ( I may- or may not be fibbing, a little) I say with the please don't be angry look I gave my mom when I was little...unfortunately, it never worked then so I hope all those sentences I wrote and days of being grounded allow for a get out of jail free card tonight.

"Were...you. Aaaare you rubbing your a*# on the Medic unit, 'cuz it looks like you were rubbing up on and ALL over that Medic unit!?!? I look at Kermit.

Kermit accepts defeat. "Yes...yes. That is EXACTLY what it looks like..." *looking downward while beginning to pout* I'm still frozen...boots glued to the concrete...haven't figured out yet what is going to happen. SO- I figure this place as good as any to stay put.

The firefighter stands silent for a few moments. Was he watching the WHOLE time?? I laugh a little. Then...so does he!! The big "bowl full of jelly" shaking belly laugh like Santa in "T'was the might before Christmas".

When he stops...he wipes a tear from his eye. My shoulders drop in a fit of relief. Kermit exhales loudly. We're safe....right?! "Why are you guys taking pics of him grinding on Medic unit??" Kermit replies, rather proud like, "Engines too...and the Trucks...and Batt chiefs...aaaaand..." Firefighter stops, "You mean to tell me you have been hitting all the rigs in the department??" Again with the look of accomplishment- "Yup. Taken us almost 3 months to get these two of your guys rigs!!"

At this point, if the firefighter could laugh any harder, he would be rolling on the ground!! He walks over and grabs the end of my gurney and starts escorting us in. "What made you guys do that?"...Kermit and I look at each other...then back at him. "We were bored...and you guys really suck at parking!" ;-P