The lady on my gurney has no legitimate or explainable reasoning behind why she called 9-1-1 today...yet, here she sits...talking about anything (and EVERYTHING) that has to do with something other than why she has joined the list of my transports for the day. My partner has already closed the window to the back...it's been a day for talkers...ALL of them having been my patients...of course.
She is mid 30's...called for SOB (Shortness of breath). Wonder if she realizes that if she takes a moment to STOP talking that she too would understand the reasoning behind the look on all of our faces...Word vomit...everywhere. She suffers from what I call- Diarrhea of the lips. Still waiting for the FDA to approve my cure- (1) large scoop of peanut butter for transport (just like you used to give your dog for fun...oooh, the silence) or the good old fashion (2) piece of tape. Sadly, seems people have allergies to both. *SIGH*
So far, I have found that she really "Loves" her new coach purse, "that I got from the outlet, because let me tell you- DON'T go anywhere else to get one 'cuz they are SOOO expensive!!". And that she is thinking of moving to a new apartment because "my neighbors are SO loud & never stop talking...I can hear them talking all night long!"... Hmmm...funny that I see myself siding with the "Loud neighbors who talk too much"...I'm thinking about moving to a new ambulance right now too. Coincidence ;-)
Fortunately, we are taking her to the nearest *Insert local ER here* because she was too busy talking to contest for one further away than the 1.2 miles from her fully functional car. We pull in. We park. The rig shuts off and WOW! Makes me smile when I hear how loud my partner had the stereo up to drowned out the sound of the excessive flow of words being spewed from Sally talks-a-lot's mouth. Just as much force regurgitating them up like you would expect from an actual puker. If I were driving, I would have done the same thing.
My report to staff consists of this- "Everyone ready? OK. In the before-time, the 5 minutes ago, Ms. Sally Talks-a-lot called 9-1-1 from her cell, while sitting in her car, due to feeling SOB. She has been speaking FULL SENTENCES- Distress free, ever since. Vitals are stable. She has great Lung sounds. NO medical history. Any questions?? Great. Sign here please." (She is now telling the ER tech how she saw a necklace "JUST like yours" on some late night info-merical...* turning around and leaving the room*
As I walk down the hall, there is a large group of staff surrounding a small bank of computer screens...this is usually for good reason. Good (terrible) fractures and things like that. Today however, a nurse was holding a notepad...taking people's names down. And laughter...LOTS of laughter. Only thing missing are people on their phones, barking out bid's for their clients on the other end of the line. Fists raised in the air- clenching wads of wrinkled dollar bills. Makes me feel like I should be bidding too...Suddenly over the PA I hear- "Aaaaand they're OFF!! Room 7 takes the lead, followed closely by room 12. Room 18 is closing the gap aaaaaand bringing up the rear is the MI (myocardial infarction- Heart attack) from Room 1. It looks like it's gonna be a GREAT race today folks!"...just kidding. But that woulda been perfect ;-)
So, squeeeeeeze my way through to see what we are all gawking at. There is an X-ray up...
"What shampoo brand do you think that bottle is?! 5 bucks gets you a guess..." Says the nurse next to me. For sure, "That's a travel size Pert Plus!" is what I blurt out! (What did I win?? LOL). A flash of my last pre-vacation (last minute) shopping venture plays through my head...standing in front of all the baskets of shelf's at Bartell's deciding on which 3.0 oz TSA approved bottles I will choose. And always...whether or not your have flakes or no flakes...Pert Plus is ALWAYS there!! I am 100% positive I am seeing this very same bottle, just a tad bit different way of advertising!! This bottle choice is DEFINITELY going to cost this guy more than the $0.99 from the store....most expensive hair cleansing product EVER!!
So, everyone is placing their bets...I choose Pantene...close second but I know isn't the winner. "When the finish'em up in the OR, we will get out results then."- can be heard over the hum of everyone talking about the "story 'behind' the X-ray"...pun?? Intended.
Welcome- Mr. Shower Contortionist-
This gentleman is brought in to the ER by means of a Sick bus. He says that he "slipped" in the shower and the 2.5 inch tall bottle just so happened to be strategically placed on the shower floor, so that when he "landed", it was in perfect alignment with his hind end...inserting, and lodging itself internally.
Now...think about this: A shower/bath tub is what? 24 inches wide? Give or take...so being that Mr. Shower Contortionist is not by any means- slender...it would seem physically impossible to be able to manage to "land" on something so small, perfectly. And as it would end up, this was confirmed by Mr. Shower Contortionist after exam showed no "trauma" to the once "Exit only".
A few days later, when another Sick Bus Patron brought me back to the same *Insert local ER here*, there was a piece of note pad paper taped to the wall by our charting room...Drum roll please?!?!....
And the OR (Operating Room) SAYS?!...PERT PLUS!!! *Ding, ding DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!* The pot was $150.00...
Mr. Shower Contortionist- for next time please remember...we see crazy things ALL the time. Be truthful with your story. Then, it won't end up being the main attraction for the reality series that is your local ER...
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