To Infinity...AND "BEYOND!!"- Volume 2

In Volume 2- we will meet our next rectal adventure-er...this one though- willing and voluntary. They come in all shapes and sizes...and ages too:

Geriatric "Extra-Curricular" Activities

I'm sure you have already cringed a time or two...not from the 30 words above by themselves, but specifically- the last 4. The combination alone makes you want to curl up, cover your ears while squinting your eyes shut...attempting to think of ANYTHING else. Right?!

Well, on a day much like the rest...the ER has it's share of patients, like usual. Nothing really seeming to stand out. *Yawning* Monotonous. I would find myself counting the small holes in the ceiling tile on days like these. Then- something (or someone) appears that changes all of that...in an instant!

This is where we meet Mr. Cataracts. 78 years old and, as it would appear- has quite the giddy-up in his step. Er..well, his shuffle: walker and all.

Mr. Cataracts drove himself in to the ER (bless his soul). "My family knows I'm here, and they're on their way, but I don't need them finding anything out!" *Grumpily stated* (Resembling Mr. Wilson...minus the giant front teeth made out of chic-lets after the denture debacle...LOL!) Mr. Cataracts is informed that no information other than what he decides to share with his family will be given. Slightly strange though...usually at his age, family are the ones with DPOA (Dual Power of Attorney). But, as it would be Mr. Cataracts has no need for anyone to take care of him other than himself...and his wife (interesting)...and today?! The ER.

"Have a seat on this bed here and we will get you changed in to a gown for the Doc to come see you." Mr. Cataracts- "No, I'll stand thank you...I had enough sitting in the car here." "Okay well then...what brought you to *Insert Local ER here* today?" (You'd expect "I've fallen, and now my hip hurts." -OR- "I feel SOB (Short of breath)"...-OR- "I'm dizzy and feel nauseous". ALL of these complaints- I wouldn't have batted an eye...but this one: THIS one is a rare gem!)

"It's a carrot." (Very matter of fact). "I don't need to beat around the bush. I'm old enough to have earned the right to not be judged, dammit!" "Now...Mr. (checking chart)...eh, uuhm Cataracts is...it? Where, ex-ACT-ly is this...carrot?" (Hoping my jaw isn't gaped open...damn. Yep! It sure was. A carrot?? at 78?!)

"In my anus..."  Aaah..is THAT where??... well, at this point there is a full on battle inside my head trying to force back enemy lines of thoughts of my grandparents doing "the grown-up"...it takes every ounce of conscious effort I have (and subconscious effort I'm sure) to keep that white flag from flying on the imagination battle filed. (Baseball! Just think BASEBALL!!)

"...Well then, let's just see what we can do, shall we?". His room is now vacant of anyone OTHER than him. As I heard this, it keeps replaying in my head...I stifle back laughter. It gets better...it HAS to!! Then- over the PA- "Social work to the front desk for family of 'Cataracts'...thank you." HA! If they only knew the concern was of the orange vegetable kind...and nothing cardiac.

X-Rays' are ordered.

Films are back..."HOLY C#$^#^...that's a HUGE carrot and geez! There's no way that's coming out without surgery!!" Sure enough...a carrot just shy of 12 inches long (and rather girthy) has much surpassed "Infinity" and has very well made it's way in to the realm of "AND BEYOND"!!

"Well Mr. Cataracts...we're gonna go ahead an set you up for surgery. When was the last time you ate? With the placement of the vegetable currently stuck in your rectal cavity..the only way to remove it is- surgically." *Furrowed brow grimacing further* Mr. Cataracts- "Well...sh*t. There's no other way??!?!" "Mr. Cataracts. Your family has been asking for information...why, if you don't mind me asking are you wanting to keep from them what has happened? If we tell them that we are taking you to surgery, they are going to want to know why..."

Story goes like this:
Mr. Cataracts and his fellow vegetable lover got a little over zealous with their selection...while his wife sits with the rest of the family in the waiting room- still awaiting any news (weird right?! why would she be being kept in the dark also??) Mrs. Cataracts was NOT the other party involved...(wait...WHAT?! right?!) Mr. Cataracts- "My wife doesn't know...she isn't as...erh, adventurous...and HE is..." (And to think...usually hips get broke just thinking about partaking in the horizontal polka, let alone "extra curricular" activities!)

Talk about a soon to be episode of "Family Fued'...

Oh Mr. Cataracts...for future (and in this specific case only, according to most women)...bigger ISN'T better!