Nutrition Facts

This was my 5th shift out in the field. I was on nights. My partner who we will call Cali, had at least 5 years experience over me from another state. We have patients that we see all the time. To and from Doctor's appointments. Discharges after admits. And then, some who just love 9-1-1 that much that they can never seem to find anyone else to call.
 However this one, is a Bari rig return. Every M/W/F. We'll call her: Bertha. It's my tech. I have never seen Bertha before. I hear she's a peach...hmm. So, we get on scene and head in. We have another rig on scene to assist...one is almost ready to pop she is so pregnant (this will make sense later). The 4 of us walk in. Find the room and are met by the smell of 300 cats with one litter box- that has never been changed, and in a 3 x 3 room. Physically possible? No...but I think this gives you just enough of an idea what our noses feel like. It burns. The pregnant one darts back into the hallway- "deep breaths *slow heavy breathing while doubled over*...DEEEEEEP BREATHS. Oh my god, I'm gonna puke. I can't take that smell!" It is awful. I'm SO glad I'm not pregnant. Period. The RN meets us in the room and notices, "Oh...it looks like her foley came out." Gee...you think?! And I'm sure she has a UTI due to the fact that I don't think that I will be in the mood for syrup anytime soon after seeing the collection bag. Weak...I love waffles too :-( We wait as they replace it. Or at least that is what they say. Guess plans changed because they decided to "drape" an adult diaper across her...How is that going to help? Some peoples' kids. *Sigh* We head in to the room. "Hi Bertha. You ready to head down for your appointment?" Bertha- "Mmm-hmm." There are 3 of us now- the 4th is out focusing her breathing, and 4 staff from the facility. Bertha has an air bed- to help keep her from getting pressure ulcers/decub's. I'm on the gurney side, holding the sheet and waiting on others to get ready to move. I have to climb up on the bed. Happens often with long reaches. We get ready. Another CNA comes in to help. I start to notice these flakes sliding towards me where my knees are putting pressure on the air bed. I knock them away. They come back, sliding closer. I brush them away again. Sick- what are these things?! The CNA on the feet, aka "ruiner of my day", flips the sheet off her feet...I now know where said flakes are coming from! Like powder pellets, they embed themselves into my pants. I feel sick..."1. 2. THREE!" We slide her over. Straps- check. We're wheeling her out. I'm throwing up on my soul. I have apparently, found my nemesis in this field. I can't handle sluffing skin. Now I'm the one silently practicing my deep breathing techniques. We get to the rig. I grab the bottle of "everything killer wipes" *caution- don't use on skin.* I believe I am making an exception. They're not coming out of my pants. Terrific. It gets better...well, worse. She's loaded. I hop in back. My partner head's up front. He waits for me to get a pressure. I wrap the cuff, and pump it up. BP acquired. "We're ready to go!!!". I turn on the exhaust vent. The smell of Vick's Vapor rub and ammonia lingering in my nostrils is making me seriously think about strapping on a non-re-breather for myself. Bertha- *screeching* "Ooooowe!! I'm in such ferocious pain, you're hurting me!!" *I'm now sitting behind her...no contact for at least 2 minutes.* ME- "Ma'am, there is nothing touching you. What can I do to help you be more comfortable?" While writing my chart. Bertha- "Can you come sit next to me?" ME-" Sure." *Unbuckling seat belt. Sitting down on the bench seat. Belted back in. Continuing chart* Bertha- *with giant formations of sleep in corners of eyes* "I need a tissue" ME- *Handing her the box* "Here ya go." Bertha- "Thank you dear." *taking a few and wadding them up in her fist* (What was the point of that??) She is quiet for a few minutes. We are half way there. Cali is rockin' out to some music up front and eating a sandwich. I'm starving. Haven't had enough time to get anything to eat...his sandwich looks pretty good too....jerk. I keep writing. Then from the corner of my eye, I see Bertha do something that to this day, makes me cringe...While she still has the crumpled tissues in her palm, sweaty now I'm sure, she pokes a finger into the corner of her eyes with a purpose. I sit, watching in disbelief what happens next. Like a bad car accident that you just can't look away from- she clears the corner of her eyes...looks at her discovery like inspecting it for value. She eats it! I die on the inside. My clipboard is now up to my face, just under my eyes as I can't get myself to look away. I'm thinking "Did I really just see that?! Why would you do that? Skin flake torpedo's and NOW THIS?? What did I get myself into?! How is my partner eating right now?? I'm gonna throw up. WHY??! *holding vomit down in throat* Where the hell are we?! Why aren't we there yet?!" Just then my partner shifts his glance back to me. I see him smirk. Is my facial expression really THAT bad?? Crap. He obviously has dealt with her before and is laughing thinking about how funny it is to watch the rookie squirm. Again...jerk. His reaction? "Hey, how you guys doin' back there? 'Cuz We are gonna be stuck in traffic..." I look out the side and front windows...traffic is moving just fine. I'm confused. I want out. I need fresh air. My nose is on fire. How long is a safe period of time to smell something so strong? I'm getting light headed...did she really eat her eye cooties?! *throwing up on soul again* Cali gets off on the only exit that is packed...and way north of our destination. He's messing with me. Bertha is now snoring. We get there. I jump out as soon as the doors open. He laughs as he finishes swallowing his last bite. I'm no longer hungry. She is still snoring. The tissues are still sitting in her hand that is partially open.. she's drooling. All I can think is how I hope she isn't drooling eye cootie juices all over. I don't think I can take it. I look at my pants...skin flake torpedo's still present. These pants are new. Geez. We take her our. She screeches, "You're hurting me..." And the sound of her voice- like nails on a chalkboard dragging out the sound of baby elephants trumpeting...but with a Halloween twist. This call is like a bad horror movie... We get her inside. I pass off report and get signatures as fast as possible. My partner is still laughing. I'm junk punching him in my head. I smile, it was just funny enough to distract for a moment. I'm now using bleach wipes...skin flake torpedo's are lodged and not budging...I have 6 hours left still and no uniforms yet at quarters because I am new. FML. Skin Flake Torpedo's: 1. Me: 0. 5th shift...
I don't care who you are, or what you think- THERE IS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE IN EYE COOTIES...Eat a sandwich for Christ sake. I'm considering a new career...5th shift...Eye cooties...really?! *shudder*