"She-Ra" and the Chinese Dragon

It's amazing how people who you would least expect can become the strongest and most angry patients in the back of our bus. There are some illegal substances (like Sherm) that also bring out the inner Hulk. In this case however, the Hulk was a she....and we found out that she was NOT a big fan of myself OR my moving buddy, "Halo". And boy did she let it show!


Halo was an A**. Plain and simple. He somehow always made it a point to rile up my patients right before closing the back doors and heading out...leaving me to talk down the recently released crazy left in back with me. I hated him for this. I learned to deal. Expected it actually. And when he was slow to the draw with it, sometimes left a lingering sense of disappointment. SYKE!!

Halo was mid 30's. Taller than me with the little extra "love" in the tummy. I always imagined him as the patient that would tell me he had "only 2 beers"...as I'm seeing an empty rack on the ground. Beer and his love for all things fried, spicy and that came from the "Late night pick up window" were the culprits. He was a "crop duster" too...sick. If the Sick Bus didn't smell like his last Dollar Menu item, it was the aftermath caused by it. *SHAKING MY HEAD*

Now- before you get to thinking that he was a chronic douche, let me make a point to say that he did have his moments...though few and far between we did have good times. However, this was not one of them!

As we pull up on-scene we are greeted with 4 Police cars and a Fire Engine. Usually what comes with a fighter or SI/HI (Suicidal Ideations/Homicidal Ideations- threats/attempt to harm self or others) Basically- these are the "winners". We walk over. Leave the gurney in the back until we get further since there is barely enough room for us to join the current party. We are in the land of all things Frat...it's Friday night. Busy with the sound of loud music and the hum of drunken college folk perusing the streets. Typical.

As I get closer, I see the LT. I ask for the skinny.

"She-Ra is 19. We are talking to her mom on the phone right now. Trying to see if she will just come get her. She-Ra is blitzed. She can't stand up or walk. The people who live here called because she had fallen in to the garden and they found her rolling around on the ground."

Quality...quality. I look at her. She is the epitome of the under-aged drinker...vomit on clothes. Disheveled. Unkept hair, and missing a shoe. She has dark skin, flawless. And gorgeous eyes. The kind that you hear people talking about when someone with them walks by. She is thick. Like a Sumo wrestler, but one who eats his Wheaties. Solid with no jiggle to her "J-E-LL-Ooooh". No ID (they never do have one) and belligerent. As with the average drunk we pick up, she has also lost her volume control...she screams and yells anytime her mouth opens. Words garbled and senseless. "Oh, and apparently she is homeless." adds the LT. Sad. Makes me think about what I was doing when I was 19...not anything close to what I am looking at in front of me.

SO! To jump ahead a little there is this thing called "Involuntary transport"...the arch nemesis for the EMS world. Sometimes used appropriately. Most other times? Not so much. This was a not so much kinda night. Gee...go figure. If a patient refuses to go, they become "Involuntary" and earn themselves a ride to *INSERT LOCAL ER HERE*. However, it usually gets written up as they are altered and unaware of where/who they are and what is going on around them. Most cases- not accurate.

Now, She-Ra is what we call "A/O x 3/3". Alert and oriented to person, place and event. Yes...she is shnockered but is mentating as she should be with out alcohol. She just can't walk. She...IS...DRUNK... If she weren't 19, there would be no issue. Couldn't have just waited 2 more years. *SIGH*

She refuses to go to the ER because, "I don't need to! I'm not sick." Kudos, I agree. A firefighter is still chatting with mom, trying to get her to come pick up her daughter. Mom lives across the water. It would take her about 25 minutes to come join the fun. The officers on-scene look antsy, like they have other things to be doing with their time. As I am sure we all do. Sometimes our job ends up leaving us as the glorified babysitters.

"Let's just get her going! We can't wait here ALL night!" I look over at Srgt. I Don't Give a cr*p. His face screams "I'm over this".Two firefighters move in to make the grab. She-Ra swings at them. Awesome...looks like we have ourselves a fighter. *DING, DING, DING!!!* "Don't you FU*KING touch me!! I'm not going. I don't need to!! AND! I don't have to!!" She-Ra slides further away from them on the stairs.

The firefighter negotiator hangs up the phone. He hands it back to She-Ra, who picks it up and begins yelling into it like the other end still has someone listening. His face looks like someone just Sh*t in his cheerios..."Mom hung up. She refuses to come get her. Says she does this stuff ALL the time and she isn't gonna help because she doesn't care. Said to take her to jail.". Makes you think what a child has to do to make their own mother bail on them.

Srgt. I Don't Give a Cr*p steps over in to the conversation that was beginning to take place from the LT. "Okay, she's going. Put her on the gurney." Such great people skills you have Sarge. *ROLLING EYES*. "Don't Fu*king touch me! I swear to god!! I don't have to go!! I know I don't. Call my mom!" She-Ra starts fumbling her sausage fingers over the increasingly small keypad of her phone, one eye squinted shut. I laugh.

Another officer grabs her arm (not forcefully so don't get ornery). She pulls away. "So are you guys IVT'ing (Involuntarily transporting" her then I am assuming??" I say as a few other officers join in. "Nope. She is voluntary." Uuuuh, riiiiiiight. I'm pretty sure that's a lie. *HEAD DROPPING DOWN A LITTLE, COCKED TO THE SIDE* "I can't take her if she doesn't want to go. AND she is a/o x3/3 right? So she can refuse."

This is when they get angry...some officers think that we are just being lazy and refusing, but in all actuality, we'd be kidnapping.

"Put her on your gurney. Period." (What a jerk). As he says this, the firefighters get her up to her feet...I feel like a shadow is taking over me as she stands...my head slowly gazing upward as I feel like I'm watching Alice in Wonderland grow after taking a bite of those silly "Eat me" cookies. She-Ra is HUGE!!!

It takes 3 firefighters and 4 officers to get her to my gurney, kicking and screaming. Srgt. I Don't Give a Cr*p finally agrees to write an IVT. We load her up. I hop in back. "So we're gonna put her in restraints" I say as I look at Halo and Srgt. I Don't Give a Cr*p....in just enough time to see Srgt. I Don't Give a Cr*p hopin' in his squad car and drive off. Amazing. Now I can't restrain her. *SHAKING MY HEAD* Unbelievable.

"Let's just go." I yell over the top of the screaming She-Ra. Halo shuts the doors. Amazed he didn't try to mess with her. Thank god. She is already pissed.

Heading down the road, She-Ra tells me she "has to pee!!" to which I reply, "We are about 3 minutes away from *INSERT LOCAL ER HERE* So we will get you to the bathroom then." Apparently she is less than pleased with me for this. She bolts upright and starts yelling.

Now, I am 6' tall...and decently strong. I've had to take down people on my own a time or two before. But coming in at 170lbs, she has an EASY 100lbs on me. I feel like David and Goliath. Mildly concerned this time which is not in the norm for me. Here comes that feeling again. I try to tell myself it is just hunger rumbling in my tummy...too bad I know I'm lying to myself. *SHRUG*

"Let me outta here! I need to PEE!! I'm not gonna pee on myself! I'll whoop your ass!!" *HEAVY EXHALE WHILE ROLLING EYES* Here we go..."She-Ra, we are almost there. Calm down and we will get you in to the bathroom once we're there. There is no bathroom in the back of the Sick Bus, so unfortunately...you're just gonna have to hold it". I reach for the radio to let *INSERT LOCAL ER HERE* what joy we are bringing them. "INSERT LOCAL ER HERE* This is Sick Bus."

She-Ra lunges forward at me. Oh well, we are just down the street. We'll be there shortly. "INSERT LOCAL ER HERE* Do you copy?" They reply, "Go ahead Sick Bus". Always awesome when they can hear the screaming of a patient in the background of my report...she hasn't stopped screaming about the bathroom. "Uuuuhm, yea...we're about 3..." Report cut short as a fist connects with my shoulder...Pinching the handset in between my head and shoulder, "Stand by *INSERT LOCAL ER HERE*...I bear hug here to the stretcher. *SHIFTING GLANCE UP TO HALO IN FRONT*...great, he is totally not paying attention..."friggin' ALWAYS on his phone!" I mutter as I see his eyes fixed downward to his hand...and we are only going about 10 mph...fantastic. UGH!

I've got her held down. Halo speeds up. Must have sent his message 'cuz his eyes are now back on the road. I continue my report to the ER. Right as I start to talk, she lunges forward...Halo see this, this time and slams on the brakes. I drop the handset and release She-Ra to brace myself from being thrown into the wall in back. At that moment, I become a rag doll as She-Ra throws my a** around the back.

We hit a curb...twice. She swings again...my jaw suddenly burns. First fist to face contact a patient has ever successfully snuck in on me. We come to a stop...the rig rocks back and forth as I fight off more punches. It's like WWF in the back and I'm getting ready to drop my first Atomic Elbow drop.

The doors swing open. The once busy streets screech to a stop. Everyone staring. Halo comes flying in. He sits on her legs. "Get the FU*K off me!!1 You're hurting me!!" She yelps. My hands move like a Ninja with speed of restraints never before seen in real life! He straps her legs down while I work on criss-crossing seat belts, securing them with knots. "Please!! Get him off me....GET YOUR FAT A** OFF ME!!!" I chuckle a little...I'm such a jerk. Wouldn't be funny to me if I could feel my jaw. As I finish my last knot, I contemplate reaching up to the front and throwing his stupid phone out the window. Maybe this would make him pay attention next time....sadly though I know it wouldn't.

She-Ra is sobbing uncontrollably now...strapped down in every possible way. I'm half expecting the crowd of people watching to stand up and applaud us. "Woulda been nice it they woulda just IVT'd her...then she wouldn't have been free to get at ya!!" Halo says gasping between words. "Yea...and if YOU hadn't been on your Damn phone! WTF?! Thanks for that by the way...I really enjoyed the curb...twice AND being thrown into the wall 'cuz of your heavy footed braking, jerk!" I'm yelling at this point while running my tongue along all my teeth in my mouth, making sure they are all still there. Nothing missing. That 's a plus.

"What?! I wasn't...Fine. Sorry! But when I looked back it looked like you were riding a Chinese Dragon, as she bucked you around!" ....Are you kidding me?!

"She bucked once, and I had her under control. Bear hugged to the gurney! We were fine to get the rest of the way to the ER...UNTIL you decided to join in and check on us in back... Just go drive. They're waiting for us!" I grab the dangling handset, "*INSERT LOCAL ER HERE* This is Sick Bus..." I finish my report. He shuts the doors and we get rolling. I'm so pissed.

We drop her off in the ER..."Why is she restrained??" asks her soon to be nurse..."Let's get her out of those!!" JAW DROPPING* "Yea, that's not gonna happen." I already told Security about Death Match 5000 that took place in the back. They look at the nurse like she is speaking a different language...confused. I pass on the happenings to her nurse, as does Halo who is adamant about her staying in 'em.

It takes 8 of us to move her over; swinging, screaming, spitting and throwing herself around. Most angry female Hulk I have ever seen. Halo takes the gurney and bolts. I finish my report to the *HAPPY* sounds of an assortment of "colorful" words seeping through the walls from where we left her.

I head outside. Halo is jogging to the Sick Bus...he NEVER runs. Something is wrong...

We clear. I'm silent. Halo looks at me...opens his mouth to talk...I cut him off, "If I so much as SEE your phone out of your pocket again tonight, I swear to god!" He looks at me and says, "We're headed to the barn. How's your face?"

Awesome...what NOW?!

As we get ready to back out of the bay, security catches us..."She-Ra just flipped the bed!!"  Hospital beds AREN'T light by any means...bet her so trusting nurse is happy she listened to us now. "Thanks for telling us." We say as we back out...

To be continued...