"Everything but the kitchen sink"

We've all heard this saying before. Used for referencing the fact (usually with sarcasm attached) that someone has WAY to much stuff with them or, in some cases- a delicious pizza with a HUGE amount of toppings! Well, this specific instance...I'm NO way like pizza! But Skat Man sure does encounter "Everything but the kitchen sink" when we got this call...
On Shift Short Story #4: 

"Everything but the kitchen sink"

 "Medics fill you in?"- asks FF Blank Report- holding motionless pen to paper, as Skat Man & I make the turn in to the doorway with our gurney. Making eye contact, while he attempts to push the restraints always attached to the side-rails- no restraining our entering the apartment- I reply, "All day binge. 1 Inch Lac above the eye. +gag. BLS...". FF#1 *shifting glance back to report; squeezes past, through doorway...now deeply engaged in still blank patient care form. 

From deeper inside, Firefighter Steps in Piddles' voice carries, "Did you guys get the Backboard memo...No? Ok, well. Yea, so he's naked...& soaked.". Skat Man looks at me with the "You got this?", making sure I'm good with the gurney before letting go, disappearing further inside the darkness of expected terrible this call may be. "...o-kay..."-he says. I lose focus on the rest of his conversation as I try to maneuver the stubborn mobile patient bed through the door. FF Blank Report, still staring, though not at his form but at the fact a little help may just be useful. *Returns to blank report-staring" 

"...he fell & hit his head in the bath tub. Then has been laying in the floor here (in bedroom/living room combo space) for the last 1-4 hours. They *pointing to quietly lurking cause of notably heavy cigarette smoke bearing down upon us* contacted staff."- finishes FF Steps in Piddle, as I am momentarily close enough to hear while moving around gurney to reach items stuffed behind door- impeding my wheeled progress.

After no luck the first time, "We're not fitting through this, this all needs to move fro- *words halted anruptly* Oh, SICK! We've got bugs...LOTS of bugs!!". *Ceasing sliding basket behind door further to allow access with gurney*, I blurt out when I notice a huge dark strip, scurrying in uniform back to the mound of clothes filled baskets I just pulled away. But these weren't just ANY bug. Of course- I lean in for a better look at what would have been secretly (now openly) hitch-hiking in our sick bus minutes later. I suddenly begin to itch...everywhere. (The mind can be such a jerk!)

FF's Blank Report, Steps in Piddle & Skat Man: *In stereo- College Frat volume level*, "WHAT?!". Still in disbelief, to how MANY there were, I look up- "Yea, there's a WHOLE nation of them back there...", then down at the perfectly disgusting, bright red BED BUG bite speckled legs of Mr. Naked Head Lac. (How do they NOT know what these things look like?!) FF Blank Report, again- "What? Where?", like a surprise attack was approaching. Skat Man answers, drawing out words for emphasis on The "you're screwed" aspect,  "...right where you (pointing out to Fire Dept)...guys just set- your KIT, down??" *motions with eyes; tandem head nod*...

FF Steps in Piddle- "Oh. And that's, *looking down*...urine!". (He's stepping in it...does he know??). As I walk over, it's E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!! The idea of the soon to follow boot bleach bath, crosses my mind as I wonder what all we've brought home on our boots/clothes at times after shift...gross. *handing over sheets for upcoming burrito wrap*- Skat Man, " double 'em up." No argument from me there!

FF Steps in Piddle grabs the head of the (moments before) dry/clean hospital blanket, as Skat Man & I try to remove (& leave behind) the 20lb heavy feeling oil absorbent grade "Blanket" & continue adjusting Mr. Naked Head Lac; FF Blank Report sets his board down, grabs gloves and heads over to help out. "If you just wanna grab the sheet under his feet..."- I tell him as we get ready to lift. "Ready?" Ask FF Steps in Piddle- "1...tw-"- cut short by-"Aaaaw, SICK!!" Blurts Skat Man- dropping his holds on his side as he reaches for his face, stopping his desire to wipe his face off with his SEVERELY soiled gloved hands...inches from eyes, now squinting. This continued Skat Man internal free Pay-per-view "Must get it off" mentality vs. "No! You have GLOVES ON!" opponent continues for a few seconds that seemed like minutes, as we all state. That kind of stare that you see on faces of those having just seen the mental image of their parents "creating them"....like the death of you soul- if that were a facial expression.

"I just got it ALL over my face...PEE, ALL on my face...it's on my shoulder too.." *little kid disappointed tone*. FF Steps in Piddle very slowly responds, "THAAAAAAAAT's........siiiiick!". Skat Man continues- "We're done after this! We gotta go back to HQ- I need to shower. God Dammit! UGH!". We finish the lift. "We can do a bleach bath on our boots at *Insert Local ER Here* too...". I feel the pool of bodily fluid slosh around my feet...thank god I can't feel if it's warm or not, through my boots...in my head, while we heave-HO Mr. Naked Head Lac on to the gurney- burrito wrap & buckle him in, I've decided that would have made me vomit. Well, at least a good chance.

As we roll Mr. Naked Head Lac down the hall both FF's can be heard mumbling, "So...they WERE bedbugs??"..."Yea...just like the other house, remember?". I chuckle as I think about the house they are talking about. Skat Man isn't talking now. He just stares...right at our heavily intoxicated and comfortably resting (gag intact, & baseline per as excess of cans of MGD consumed- strewn across the counter of the Bed Bug abode we just left- responsive to pain, and snoring (no, NOT ago all or "snoring respiration's! Like the SNORING you would hear from you slumbering Grizzly Bear Grand dad!). 

FF Blank Report (still writing) stands outside of our Sick Bus briefly. Hands me the report, then heads to rejoin FF Steps in Piddle back at their rig...en route what we can imagine will be a similar version of our soon to be Ambulance-wide Decon adventure to take place shortly. All sheets are soaked through...a continual count of urine drops falling from our gurney. 

"When we head back after this, you're totally sitting in the back! You're not coming upfront with you're 'dirty pee pants'!" I inform Skat Man, jokingly somewhat (but not really!). "I'm just gonna see if they'll give me a pair if scrubs...". "Paper scrubs like our patients?! Lol"- I butt in... "NO! REAL ones! Then I can have them for myself. They're SO comfy!". He smiles (Skat Mans back!) 

We pull up; park, and get out. I grab the gurney. Skat Man fills a fellow Sick Bus crew in that passes us going in, on their way out. "He's covered in piss. AND- yea, that's right: BED BUGS!" He stops, as do I since I smell it too. "Did he...do you smell...". I stop him- "It smells like it..." *Heavy external SIGH!* "Great...*direct eye contact with other crew*...Now he POOPED (over exaggerating the word "Pooped"- heavily!), himself!! Great, JUST GREAT!". As I turn around to walk in the doors, the other crew is trying hard to not burst out laughing until after we roll all the way through the doors...they start to fail. 

...BUT! The air wafting their way  makes up for it a little by the scowl of "that smells like SH*T", racing across their faces. When we leave, Skat Man slinks in to his holding cell for infestation purposes. I shut him in...all he's missing is his shackles ;-P

Always a GREAT shift when your partner goes home in a pair of scrubs ;-)

*Lucky Charms Commercial script* 

...Bugs, blood from Head Lac. Urine & the Poo! Lots of "NOT so awesome's", on (of course) the "Black Cloud Crew"!